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~ Laarni

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Where my mind wanders, rests, and flows

 

No Just Means a Yes to Something Else

Laarni San Juan

I have finally said a genuine yes to myself. Yes to be me and not fear the consequences of my own decisions. For years, I felt like I did things because it was either the right thing to do by my culture's standards or I needed to please another or a system.  Wisdom tells me that I can now embrace my actions, my thoughts, AND my feelings without worrying about the what ifs. I’m a big girl now and I can handle the what ifs. If I feel I can’t then I will figure it out.  Instead of wearing an “s” for all the times I felt like I was superwoman, I will wear a “y” for yes I can and yes I will. It’s not about being super anymore, well, not at this stage of life. It’s about simply being and living on my terms. No need to impress so I can climb up the ladder.  Been there, done that. By the way, there’s a lot of piranhas and mean people up there and along the way. Really. I have fought, kicked and got jaded wayyyy too many times just by doing what's right yet experiencing outcomes that prove to me that life can be full of crap and crappy people. I am over it. Now when I reply with a no to an ask, that just means I’m saying a yes to something else.  Thank you God, universe and angels for guiding and giving me the strength and courage to finally find my yes. I found it.  The best part of this discovery is that I realize all the trauma, weary days, unforgiving nights and my ever-present resilience have led me to this amazing milestone of my path. It feels like a bright lightbulb blinding my eyes. Hallelujah. A yes for me is a yes for my family and those I actually care about. That’s all I can handle these days anyway. My bandwidth to take on a truckload of stuff used to be a bigger and wider lot. Today it is not about the length of my bandwidth but about the depth. I say yes to what matters most to me so that I can live more tomorrows with deeper meaning.