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~ Laarni

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Blog

Where my mind wanders, rests, and flows

 

RESHUFFLE THE DECK

Laarni San Juan

Life can get funky and not feel fair.  Just reshuffle the deck and play the hands dealt. The odds of winning are in your favor when you go all in. At some point you win back what you put in. Hint: double down on yourself and it's a sweet life.

RECONNECT WITH YOURSELF EVEN WHEN IT'S HARD

Laarni San Juan

Ever since the awful incident of being called a derogatory name and a system turning their back when I asked for help, I soon learned the painful (or more like shameful) truth about how things work in life. Yes, that unexpected crap happened but in hindsight, it happened for a reason. One, it was a reality check but most importantly, it pushed me to constructively deal with the frustration and anger that was building up in me. I instinctively knew I HAD to deal with it head on because I couldn't possibly live a life 24/7 of toxic thinking especially over crap that's out of my control. The past six years has been an intense period of discovery, learning, and introspection. I've learned that being quiet and listening to my thoughts pry open the journey to a whole different layer of evolution. The seeds of abundance grow like weeds soon after.

FOLLOW THE LEADER

Laarni San Juan

I loved that game when I was a child. I was happy on the schoolyard following the leader especially if the leader was confident and knew how to play fairly. The leader who was also kind (the opposite of a bully) also made the experience so fun and made me want to play more. I never wanted that school bell to ring to signify recess was over. Some things haven't changed. I love and follow leaders who know their sh**, who play fair, and find ways to make it enjoyable even when the game can feel tough and unpleasant.  

STICK TO IT LIKE A POSTAGE STAMP DOES

Laarni San Juan

Ever work on a project and you feel like giving up? Me too. Ever question if all the work is worth it? Me too.  It IS worth every ounce of tears, fears, and worry if you want the outcome bad enough.  I have put the green light on dreams and yes, it IS worth sticking to the plan and getting to the destination. Just think of the postage stamp the next time you feel like giving up.

WHY GO PLACES

Laarni San Juan

Travel shifts your energy and releases your story. Visiting unfamiliar places and meeting new faces unleash your spirit that's meant to be free.

YOUR DEFINITION OF WORK GOT NOTHING ON WEBSTER

Laarni San Juan

Many ask if I still work. Depends on your definition of work. I do spend my time on things and activities that move my needle. Please note, I said my needle, not my mom's needle, or the pessimistic relative's needle. My needle. Over the years, I have deleted activities, habits, and people who don't contribute to my goals and dreams. Now that's work. Anyone on their own intentional journey of claiming their lives can probably relate to the whole control+alt+del sensation. I figured out that getting things done means clearing my headspace of lame thoughts that get in my own way. That's also work. Recognizing what is holding up the line and actually working to eliminate them takes A LOT of practice and courage especially since it's me calling out my own bs. Despite the battles and not-so-smooth bumps on the ride, figuring out your definition of work is pretty cool because eventually the seeds you planted along the way sprout into something beautiful. 

Thank You, Dr. Hill

Laarni San Juan

Life hasn't been easy. Was always picked last on the kickball team in elementary school. ALWAYS. I was super shocked when I got picked second to last. I had thick glasses and bucked teeth. Flunked my high school geometry class. My GPA was nothing to be proud of especially since I attended a good school. Got fired from my first job at the candy store because I naively gave candy to friends who peer pressured me to. I cried during my first college presentation in front of 250 people. I put the patient bedpan backwards for months as a nursing aide only to find out I didn't pass my probation.  

Did I feel low self-esteem? I sure did. Did I feel lousy? Yes. Was I depressed? Yes.  

I carried those heavy feelings for years since childhood and I just thought I had to live like that forever. While I experienced gloomy days, it never dawned on me that I COULD uplift the situations. It was my normal, no biggie. My parents did not seem attuned to my needs but that wasn't a big deal either. They provided for me materialistically and financially. They probably thought I was doing okay because I went to school, ate the TV dinners they prepared while I was home alone, and I continued my daily life without major offenses. I just lived life as I knew it.

It was when I turned 25 that I worked side by side with Dr. Hill, a psychologist. We case managed high risk children in an urban elementary school. I never knew what psychologists did but I certainly appreciated her style of talking to others and how attentive she was with children and families. We got to know each other and it was the first time that someone actually cared how I felt.  She asked how I was doing. I was listened to. She gave me nondemanding advice.  She followed up with me.  I didn't realize how powerful it was to have unconditional support that pushed me to deal with my insecurities and fears. She pointed out my strengths as well and that surely boosted my perspective of what's possible in life.

As I look back, I realize that I've unraveled quite a bit of my complexities (thank goodness) and I still continue to unravel each day.  I'm so grateful that I worked with Dr. Hill who opened my eyes and heart to what it feels like to be in touch with myself. 

 

RELATIONSHIPS ARE A TWO-WAY STREET

Laarni San Juan

Relationships are a two-way street. Not one way, but two. Based on two completely different humans coming together to co-exist in the name of sharing hopes, dreams, fears, and life. A solid relationship is the commitment to uphold those truths and figure out how to support, teach, and guide one another through the journey.

Joy in the Front Seat

Laarni San Juan

Joy will no longer stay in the trunk of the car with the rest of the emergency equipment like the jumper cables or the spare tire.  Joy will no longer stay in the backseat keeping quiet as to not bother the driver. Joy will no longer hide underneath the car mats to be stepped on. Joy will no longer hide in the glove compartment with the random stuff shoved in there from years past.

Joy will sit in the front seat. Joy will be the driver to your destination.