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Blog

Where my mind wanders, rests, and flows

 

Thank You, Dr. Hill

Laarni San Juan

Life hasn't been easy. Was always picked last on the kickball team in elementary school. ALWAYS. I was super shocked when I got picked second to last. I had thick glasses and bucked teeth. Flunked my high school geometry class. My GPA was nothing to be proud of especially since I attended a good school. Got fired from my first job at the candy store because I naively gave candy to friends who peer pressured me to. I cried during my first college presentation in front of 250 people. I put the patient bedpan backwards for months as a nursing aide only to find out I didn't pass my probation.  

Did I feel low self-esteem? I sure did. Did I feel lousy? Yes. Was I depressed? Yes.  

I carried those heavy feelings for years since childhood and I just thought I had to live like that forever. While I experienced gloomy days, it never dawned on me that I COULD uplift the situations. It was my normal, no biggie. My parents did not seem attuned to my needs but that wasn't a big deal either. They provided for me materialistically and financially. They probably thought I was doing okay because I went to school, ate the TV dinners they prepared while I was home alone, and I continued my daily life without major offenses. I just lived life as I knew it.

It was when I turned 25 that I worked side by side with Dr. Hill, a psychologist. We case managed high risk children in an urban elementary school. I never knew what psychologists did but I certainly appreciated her style of talking to others and how attentive she was with children and families. We got to know each other and it was the first time that someone actually cared how I felt.  She asked how I was doing. I was listened to. She gave me nondemanding advice.  She followed up with me.  I didn't realize how powerful it was to have unconditional support that pushed me to deal with my insecurities and fears. She pointed out my strengths as well and that surely boosted my perspective of what's possible in life.

As I look back, I realize that I've unraveled quite a bit of my complexities (thank goodness) and I still continue to unravel each day.  I'm so grateful that I worked with Dr. Hill who opened my eyes and heart to what it feels like to be in touch with myself.