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~ Laarni

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Where my mind wanders, rests, and flows

 

THE SHIP THAT SAILS

Laarni San Juan

I’ve been there. I hit rock bottom mentally and emotionally when the ship I trusted started to steer and sail funny. Something was off but I still sailed this baby on the waters: I helped everyone on board this vessel. I took great pride being an enabler (I didn’t know any better, ok?) I was there when problems needed fixing way past the midnight hour. At the time, it wasn’t a big deal. Why? Because I was raised to care and nurture those who needed it or help systems that were failing. I didn’t complain and the job needed to get done. That’s how my mind worked the first 45 years of my life. In hindsight, I realize one major life lesson: while I was helping and enabling, my own spirit was actually drowning and it was harder and harder for me to replenish what I was giving away. That’s what I mean by hitting rock bottom mentally and emotionally (add in physically too). My own ship had a slow leak and I had no idea where the malfunction was happening. I just kept going though. I had great experiences along the way while ignoring the leak. Eventually, however, the main deck of my own ship needed new flooring, the hole (wherever it was) seriously needed to be fixed and the ship basically needed an overhaul. I want to keep sailing. I want to navigate the world. In order to do that, maintenance and fixing needed to happen. I docked myself, got quiet, and got deep. I constantly asked myself what was I doing and what was my purpose? Why was I forcing myself to be in situations that really wasn’t filling my new level of consciousness? I waffled back and forth about moving on because that meant I would need to know where I’m going. It’s been five years since that green light came on. It blinks yellow every so often but I’m so glad I took the time to fix my vessel because this ship continues to sail and it’s going even further than it’s ever gone.