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~ Laarni

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Blog

Where my mind wanders, rests, and flows

 

Reality Check

Laarni San Juan

Life went on a different path since 2012 when reality of how the world works showed up: systems revealed their true colors and I was angry, frustrated, and disappointed. Was hard to shake off as much as books, therapists, and good-meaning circles offered to help. I had good days but I found myself living in toxic thoughts on a lot of days.

My health started to fail. I felt off and I knew I was really robbing family of my best self. Wasn’t fair to them that I couldn’t get myself and my thoughts to be more positive.

I learned a lot during this particular chapter in my life: in order to grow and access the desires in life, asking for MORE doesn’t work. 

What works is ELIMINATING barriers, thoughts, and distractions that get in the way of the abundance to flow through. I had to get rid of a bunch of things including people, material goods, and most importantly my negative thoughts and wow, life has a different view. There’s new streams coming in and it all starts with that tiny step of getting rid of crap that no longer serves.

2019, where you at???

Happy Birthday, Dad

Laarni San Juan

Today would have been my dad’s 111th birthday. Yes, I had an older dad growing up. He passed away when I was 34 years old. I learned SO MUCH from him. I LEARNED A LOT. He was a simple man who wore beige khakis and a pendleton, carried his keys on a silver chain attached to his pants, smoked a cigar, and played solitaire on a table next to our living room window. He followed where the sun would shine into our modest San Francisco home - he meticulously positioned his chair so that the rays of light hit his brown skin just perfectly. Because he was older, he reached the standard retirement milestone while I was still in elementary school. He patiently walked me to the neighborhood public school everyday (actually we were often the first ones on the foggy schoolyard). He had a routine that was predictable: he picked me up on time from school, cooked me scrambled eggs and rice, smoked his second cigar, read the afternoon newspaper he picked up during his earlier stroll in downtown, played cards and slept by 9pm. It was like clockwork. In the summers when I was on school break, we went to chinatown daily. We visited his buddies at the barbershop or at the playground who were playing poker, and then the best part for me was getting ONE piece of candy at the corner market. Such great memories! I had no idea what the chinese writing on the candy wrappers were but I knew they were juicy pieces of sugar that delighted me all throughout the bus ride home. When it was sunny, we detoured to the Woolworths in SF downtown and each grabbed a pizza slice. Once a week, I was allotted a coloring book that fit our budget. It was a great feeling of pride and ownership that I was adding to MY own library collection at home! These memories created an imprint for me that lives within my soul today. Brings a smile too <insert smiling face emoji here>. Predictability as a child taught me that the world can be stable. Taught me that living simple harnesses good will and a good life. My father valued my world, my education and wanted me to do more in school than he ever experienced from his 3rd grade school life. Although he repetitively told me the stories of working in the hot fields of California and the salmon packing in Alaska for 10 cents a day, it was after his passing that I finally understood WHY he shared those memories over and over and over. He wanted me to be industrious and to be productive. He wanted me to live my version of the American dream because I can. I have much more resources and means than what he had as an immigrant to the big ‘ol USA in the 1920s. He wanted me to be educated and learn as much as I can. Thank you, Dad, for setting a great example of what it means to live.

LIES IN THE MIRROR

Laarni San Juan

If you are not doing what you say you want, you are lying to yourself. Lies start to erode the soul and soon enough, you can’t even trust your own self. Yikes.

YOUR CHOICE

Laarni San Juan

You either jump on opportunities or sit another year and let time pass by. Which is it? We live in a generation where our attention spans are wayyyyy shorter. Less attention means increased chances to lose sight of important stuff such as our future, our tomorrows. It’s a choice to pay attention and actually put teeth to the grind. You choose.

What's Inside?

Laarni San Juan

Show up everyday. Pay attention to what really matters to you and ditch the rest. Time reveals the contents of the box.

THE SHIP THAT SAILS

Laarni San Juan

I’ve been there. I hit rock bottom mentally and emotionally when the ship I trusted started to steer and sail funny. Something was off but I still sailed this baby on the waters: I helped everyone on board this vessel. I took great pride being an enabler (I didn’t know any better, ok?) I was there when problems needed fixing way past the midnight hour. At the time, it wasn’t a big deal. Why? Because I was raised to care and nurture those who needed it or help systems that were failing. I didn’t complain and the job needed to get done. That’s how my mind worked the first 45 years of my life. In hindsight, I realize one major life lesson: while I was helping and enabling, my own spirit was actually drowning and it was harder and harder for me to replenish what I was giving away. That’s what I mean by hitting rock bottom mentally and emotionally (add in physically too). My own ship had a slow leak and I had no idea where the malfunction was happening. I just kept going though. I had great experiences along the way while ignoring the leak. Eventually, however, the main deck of my own ship needed new flooring, the hole (wherever it was) seriously needed to be fixed and the ship basically needed an overhaul. I want to keep sailing. I want to navigate the world. In order to do that, maintenance and fixing needed to happen. I docked myself, got quiet, and got deep. I constantly asked myself what was I doing and what was my purpose? Why was I forcing myself to be in situations that really wasn’t filling my new level of consciousness? I waffled back and forth about moving on because that meant I would need to know where I’m going. It’s been five years since that green light came on. It blinks yellow every so often but I’m so glad I took the time to fix my vessel because this ship continues to sail and it’s going even further than it’s ever gone.